December 5, 2001 catherinetownsend

The Werewolf Rule


Some people want to know how to turn a Friends With Benefits into a boyfriend. But what if you are trying to do the opposite? What can you do to ensure that your FWB doesn’t get the wrong idea? Yes, you can tell them that you don’t want a relationship, but keep in mind that “I don’t want a relationship right now” can be interpreted by someone on a dopamine high as “…but you will want one later.”  I know. I’ve been there. Suddenly you’ve gone from after 10pm sexting to dinner dates, and you have a ‘sort-of’ boyfriend. Here are a few tips to avoid this situation in future. 

1. Follow The Werewolf Rule

Pretend that your significant other is a werewolf (hopefully minus the body hair!) Only see them about as often as werewolves come out, which would be one or twice a month. And only after dark.

2. The Liquid Diet Rule

All evening nourishment must be served either in a cocktail glass, or post-coital takeaway containers. If you find yourself sitting across from your FWB at a romantic candlelit dinner, you are on a date.

3. The Three-Way Rule

Close your eyes. Imagine walking in on your FWB in a three-way with your best friend and biggest professional rival. Do you care? If you are jealous, you may want to re-think the arrangement.

4. Keep it Horizontal

If your FWB starts talking about problems at work, it’s fine to offer a sympathetic ear and an erotic massage. But if you wanted to spend all night talking about problems while NOT having sex, you would have a boyfriend.

5. Put The ‘Friend’ Before the ‘Benefits’

Mutual satisfaction happens–in and out of bed–when both people get what they want. If one person’s feelings have changed, then the Goals of the Investigation are no longer in alignment. Obviously it’s better if the person who has developed feelings speaks up…but if you suspect that your FWB wants to take things to the next level and you know you can’t reciprocate,  the kindest thing to do is end things.

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