Russell Brand and Katy Perry filed for divorce…and while media outlets may be surprised by the timing, I’m not. R+K are, sadly, another casualty of National Breakup Month.My parents separated on New Year’s Eve, and according to legal professionals more people file for divorce in January in the US and UK than any other time of year. I’ve been the victim of the PhD (pre or post-holiday dumpers), the turkey drop, or the slow fadeout after someone re-gifted me a scented candle more than once, so I feel their pain. Holiday breakups used to make me feel like a walking Wham lyric, so I’ve adopted the following five strategies over the years for being single in January:
1. Don’t detox. Doctors say that going cold turkey for a month before a bender can do more harm than good, and the only thing more depressing than being cold and alone is being cold, alone, and unsociable.
2. Don’t drown your sorrows in Krispy Kreme. On the flip side, waking up next to a warm box of Krispy Kremes and a bottle of Jack Daniels won’t make you feel better in the morning. This is the perfect time to take up a new hobby; preferably one with a high percentage of single men (tennis, skiing or rock climbing are great).
3. Look on the bright side. January is the most popular month for breakups, so there are a lot of newly single people on the market!
4. Holiday hell is over. Other than Valentine’s Day, which is easy to skip if you order takeout, you have nine months until people start piping in annoying Christmas music and talking about holiday togetherness. This is your time to focus on YOU!
5. Thank the person who dropped you. Yes, thank them…because they gave you the greatest gift of all this year. Your time, which is the most precious commodity on earth. You won’t be wasting it next year on someone who didn’t really want to be with you!
They broke up already? They were only married for a year, right? That’s a damn shame! Russell, you messed up!