I get a lot of requests to do background checks after three months of dating because something ‘doesn’t feel quite right’. But nine times out of ten, the disgruntled daters don’t need a background check. Because they can do their own investigation over appetizers. So before you pay tons of money to hire an expert, pretend that you are ‘good cop’ and ask a few questions. In a perfect world, by the end of the first date you would know the following five things:
1. First and last name. It’s amazing how many people never find out the correct spelling of the first and last name of the person they are dating. Once that magical dopamine kicks in, we let people into our vaginas who would never normally get into our home. I’ve done it myself with a guy who is still coded Biker Boy in my phone–then again, I knew that he was never husband material. If someone is a good person, they will want to give you information and bring you into their world.
2. Approximate Age. Few things instill as much fear ask asking a woman’s age but if you ever do need to do a background or criminal record search, this will help you verify that they are the person they claim to be. There are a million John Does, but very few born on 2/3/79 (to pre-empt any angry emails from a guy named John Doe born on 2/3/79, I picked the numbers at random.)
3. Where They Live. This is SO important. One of the first questions I ask when women come to me for help is ‘Where do they live?’ and ‘Have you been there?’ You don’t need an exact address on the first date–that could come across as creepy. But if you have been dating someone for more than six to eight weeks and haven’t seen their place, this is a MAJOR RED FLAG. You don’t want to just where they live; you want to see how they live. Are they hiding a girlfriend? Are they hoarders? Do they have a gimp mask hanging in the closet? Enquiring minds ( that’s you!) want to know.
4. What they do for a living. ‘Internet entrepreneur’ could mean that they spend their days on Facebook. If he directs you to a company website, was it built in his mom’s basement or does it have active link pages? Is it registered with the Better Business Bureau? If he claims to be a doctor or lawyer, why not verify his office/and or check his credentials online with the medical board?
Protecting yourself isn’t paranoid, it’s powerful. If you want to know how to find out the information without your date feeling like they are in the hot seat, tune in tomorrow.